I could hardly pin-point how I got to where I was. The Afterwards. There were angry words, and there were moments of uncomfortable and awkward silences. Yet, there I was, standing at what was to become the crossroads that would change my life forever. There was nothing much to say about anything. There was nothing at all that would make me understand where it all went wrong and how it all began.
What I didn’t realize at the time was that it was a life I was saying goodbye to forever, and as I took the road I never once dreamed I would take, I loitered for just a moment longer, my soul whispering for me to be brave and go, but my heart nudging me to take the road I had been taking each day for years. As though being pulled to what would become the day that broke my heart and shattered my spirit, I stared out in front of me for just a while longer, almost as though my me’ness knew. I reluctantly carried on walking, and as I had done on so many days before, I prayed for my boogeyman and I prayed for me. I prayed for our “us.” That us and the we that made us family. The us and the we that would be broken from that moment on, only, I didn’t know the magnitude of it all at that very moment.
I was not quite sure how my life would go on without my us and we, and I desperately feared my meetings with my mornings and with my nights after encountering The Afterwards. I wasn’t even sure I’d survive the stormy, untaught days without them, my us and my we. I walked slowly and listened to the cars that continued to mow down the streets. I listened to the friendly, habitual chatter of my neighbors. In the distance, children a little younger than I was, were squealing and dogs were barking, just as they always did. “It was true,” I thought as my tears had begun to roll carelessly from my eyes, “The world did not stop for my muddled heart, my shattered spirit and my us and my we.” I glanced over at my wristwatch, and was disappointed that it had continued to tick. It wasn’t fair that the universe continued to carry on as normal. It wasn’t fair that it couldn’t see how afraid I was. It wasn’t fair that it wouldn’t stop for just a moment, as I navigated my way through what was to be my journey into The Afterwards.
I couldn’t quite figure out how it had not lost even a second, and how perfectly set my wrist watch had remained. If it had told me that it was ten minutes earlier, or five minutes later, I would know that the grand-master of time had felt it too, and that it had been affected by my walk into The Afterwards just as much. I felt betrayed by time, and I was annoyed at the world who was supposed to become immobile for just a moment, and commiserate with the heartbroken pieces of me. How could it not sense my immense soreness? I wanted to rip it from my wrist, and hurl it onto the sidewalk, shattering it into a thousand pieces.
How dare the world continue to turn, and mislead one more heart, making empty promises of tomorrows without The Afterwards in i? As I tried to put my scattered thoughts in place, I whimpered silently. With all the strength I could gather, I placed one foot in front of the other, frantic not to lose my nerve and face The Afterwards head on, if I must.
As I reached into The Afterwards, my broken heart had turned into just another number, in a world polluted with brokenness. For my walk into The Afterwards, the world did not stop, and the universe refused to apologize. For my introduction to The Afterwards, people would not speak kinder words or tread gentler around people like me. For The Afterwards, the trees would not keep their leaves in autumn, and the flowers would not continue to blossom in winter. For The Afterwards, the earth would not move slightly off his axis, and the stars would not conjure up a new plan for my life, and bring me back to a time before boogeymen and monsters. Just for the survival of my broken heart, I wouldn’t be going home again, and the we and the us won’t be putting all my crushed pieces back together. It had to be me. It was always for me to look The Afterwards squarely in the eye, summon up all my strength and muster up my last ounce of courage, because I had been called to a war most people never would be.
Alex :D<
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THE AFTERWARDS 