There was a time when I wanted to hide from you, defend what was before you. There was a time when I didn’t want anybody to know or find out about you. The Afterwards. That which came after “the thing” ended. You came in after it all. After the faces of the nights faded away. After the physical pain was almost as though it never happened. You came with promises and hope. You came with a new set of rules. What you brought with you, never ended and it never went away. Nothing comes after you. There is nothing that can come, after The Afterwards. There is no Afterwards after you. You are the after. You are the split between before and after. Everything that happened when you showed up, lived in my space, and will live there forever. You dictated how people treated me afterwards, and what I thought of myself afterwards. You never said that everything important would happen when you came into my life. Every single moment that made me question everything that happened, came with you. Torment like I never knew before, came with you.
I was ashamed to meet you. I felt that my soul was stained and ugly. I didn’t want it to be real and I didn’t want “the thing” to matter. But, you made it matter. Everything that was said in hurt and anger, came with you. Punishing myself, came with you. Hating myself, came with you. Losing, came with you.
What I didn’t know was that you weren’t only my Afterwards, you were everyone’s. You were catering for us all. You were trying to save us all. You didn’t take sides, and you weren’t responsible for the actions of others, in The Afterwards. We all used you to dream. We used you to change our lives and repair. We used you to recover from our lives before you. What I couldn’t see at the time was that you came with second chances, and a promise of a new tomorrow. You came with choices. You came with strength. You came with hope. You came with lessons and wisdom. I didn’t lose anything. What left me, was a blessing.
At the very least, you showed up. Others will never get to meet you.
THE AFTERWARDS 